Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.