So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?