So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
how to market bottled water to dads
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Yup.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.