So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
s
oc
i
a
l
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday