@Dawn_M_: So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'm working on a screenplay called '127 Seconds' about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
@TheRealNickKay: WIFE: I can't believe you ruined my birthday yesterday ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn't even know it was your birthday
@jan_rtr: My kid is singing "Mac-n-cheese" to the tune of "Stand by Me." You guys just tried it, didn't you?
@jonnysun: the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road