Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
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Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise