I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?