So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
From Facebook just now…
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
LMAO