Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
You Might Also Like
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.