So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point