I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
*launders Kohls cash*
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.