So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
You Might Also Like
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
another case of gang violins
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March