“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
FRED: right
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…