It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
You Might Also Like
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Don’t touch that.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.