So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Accurate
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.