If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat