Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind