The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
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Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
yea so i messed up lol
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
i was baptized in a car wash
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.