So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
He just like my cat fr
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.