So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
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Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.