So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
You Might Also Like
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.