Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
You Might Also Like
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
A couple who are silly together stay together.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…