5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??