Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
podcasts
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Breaking news:
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.