*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I’d use my best pan on you.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.