Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
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*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“Huge”.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”