So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”