So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.