@iwearaonesie: So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say "you're getting a little chunky"
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@Donna_McCoy: Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
@TheBoydP: I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
@david8hughes: [opens treasure chest & it's full of treasure] Me: whoa Friend: what is it? Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
@C0REZI: harry potter, age 11: why do you hate weasleys so much? they seem nice draco malfoy: they are blood traitors. i bet they use toilets too harry potter: i- [voice cracking] what