So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Children of the corn 🌽
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%