So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.