So inspired right now.
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[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.