So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Don’t tell me what to do
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”