Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
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Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.