For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.