So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁