So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
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I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
my retirement plan is braless
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural