So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
#Caturday
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.