So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
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This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.