So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?