So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
May have had one breakfast too many
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question