So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house