So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free