So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.