So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)