So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I saw this ending much differently.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling