So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Not helping
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!