so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*