@beeple: so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we're considering electing our first orange one
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@madeleinedoux: [date at rooftop bar] give me ur hand "Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?" *rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me
@doktorj: Enhanced interrogation idea: If waterboarding isn't working, try having my mother brush their hair.
@SamuelHLowe: "Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
@squirrel74wkgn: All these gifts today better get me laid. Wife (in a narrator's voice): ...but, then she overheard him talking...and he never did get laid.