Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.