So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
all that yoga finally paid off
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
What do you hear?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.