So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
You Might Also Like
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Ummm
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.