The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.