I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?